Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sucker Punched

Since I busted my finger, I've led a dull several weeks with little of anything to write about. So... I've decided to tell the story of my nose getting bloodied a while back. Sigh... this is gonna take forever to tap out on my iPod (I've got fat thumbz).

Most people know that I got sucker punched back in February. The story was that Jill and I just got finished our Valentine's date and were walking back to our car by the Tannery. Out of nowhere this crazy bastid' comes yelling at us for money. Not the normal panning for change routine... this guy meant business. I told him I didn't have anything for him and moved forward to place myself between him and my lovely fiancée. He squared up to me and goaded me on to hit him. I turned to say 'let's book outta here' to Jill when the guy swung and I ate his fist. Ate it!

After that I took a few steps back and spat out a mouthfull of blood. Jill was going ape-shit and yelling for help and meanwhile the guy was yelling some kind of banter about how he hit me for 'all the crimes I've committed against his people'. Yeah, that's right, this was a political statement rather than a random act of violence. Fitting that this native asshole sucker-punched me. Noble statement!

Anyway, a pile of people saw it and called the cops, who arrived shortly afterwards and arrested the guy down the street. Turns out that the call to the cops came from our youngest city counciller - Jordan Graham. He and his poor date ruined their entire date night with us at the cop station making statements. The cops also took a million photos of me for evidence.

One officer told me that the guy was just looking for a way into jail for the night... I was his ticket.

Fast forward a few weeks...

Now convinced that my snout was actually broken (since it still hurt), I get a call to do a line-up. Thinking I'd be standing behind a wall of mirrored glass while a bunch of crooks are paraded in, I eagerly agreed. No such luck, those are only for Hollywood. I just got a pile of photos to look at. Oh well.

A few more weeks...

Jill and I get a supeona to testify in court... meaning that the guy (Joe Paul) had a change of heart and decided to plead not guilty.

And finally today...

We went to court. When we got there we waited around for a while to talk to the Crown prosecuter. She told us to be prepared for a total gong show since Mr. Paul skipped his pretrial hearing and has decided to defend 'himself, as a member of the Burnt Church nation'. Whatever. She was pissed since it was obvious that this guy wasn't serious about the court (he had not even asked for our statements) and he was likely to just use it as an oppertunity to make a soap-box tirade. When it all got started and it was clear that this guy wanted to go ahead the Crown prosecuter tried to tell the judge that the guy couldn't have even read the evidence since he couldn't read. It went ahead anyway.

I swore on a bible ~ and took the witness stand. After telling my story, Mr. Paul was like' well... yeah... I can't really argue with that'. (Brilliant defence, well played)! He changed his plea to guilty and it was done. No soap-box, no gavel banging, no tazing any bros, no excitement at all... just a huge waste of everyones time. They kicked me out of the room so I have no idea what he was scentenced to... probably just more probation. Guess I'll have to read the Gleaner (/shudders/).

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